Attachment Style Q&A: Let's talk anxious-preoccupied

I often felt like I had to 'act out' or 'cling' in order to get the security, consistency, validation, and attention I had been missing. I thought it was up to me in order to fix these things—that I was always both the problem and the solution.

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Childhood Influences

Q: According to an attachment style break-down on mindbodygreen, attachment styles are said to stem from how we were raised and/or monumental moments in our childhood. How do you feel your childhood influenced your current attachment style?

A: I personally don't feel as though my attachment style strongly stemmed from my childhood. At least in the sense that I can't recall certain childhood instances that I believe brought it out of me or influenced my attachment based reactions, patterns, or tendencies that I have today as an adult.

As far as I'm aware, my childhood was relatively stable and secure, so personally I can't speak much to this degree of experience—although I realize it can be a big contributing factor for others who develop certain attachment styles. My relationships later on had more to do in shaping my particular attachment style.

Past Romantic Relationships

Q: What style of attachment did you experience?

A: Full blown 'anxious-preoccupied'. No doubt about it.

Q: According to the summary provided on mindbodygreen, the anxious attachment style (better known as anxious-preoccupied) is described as a "type of insecure attachment style rooted in a fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being under under-appreciated", do you find you relate to that? What aspects do you not relate to?

A: As much as I would like to disagree, I feel as though it's pretty on the nose. In my former relationship, those feelings were definitely brought on. In the beginning, everything felt very close knit, very extreme in terms of being together often. And being someone who becomes easily attached relationship wise, I found myself relying on our relationship for stability and placing a lot of significance on my former partner.

It digressed into me feeling very adamant that the relationship should work out. It felt like my whole world to a degree. Which of course, now I'm realizing the issues that came with that mentality. I would say that because of that, I had those fears of abandonment bubbling up, slowly but surely, as the relationship had continued to progress. I was starting to become insecure about my former partner not feeling as strongly about me, and in turn not placing as much significance or appreciation for me or the relationship we had. It was a really awful feeling, one that would eat at me more and more at the time.

If you read the article above, or any article on the anxious attachment style, you'll see how jealousy, possessiveness, and distrust are three common signs of having this form of attachment. People who experience this style of attachment develop these feelings due to the evident insecurity in themselves and their relationships that they prioritize. I never personally felt that I could relate to such feelings, despite my overactive anxious mind and insecurities.

If anything, I found myself being very overly understanding, open, and trusting, even if I was presented with factors that may have shown me reasons to be otherwise. I had a tendency of holding others less accountable than I held myself. Another aspect of this form of attachment is having a lower sense of self and viewing others more positively, and I definitely felt I could relate to that.

By the end of the of the relationship, I did have more distrust and jealousy, but that stemmed from reasonable factors, not just my insecurities taking over—although, at the time, I did think it was all in my head and assumed that this was just my anxious attachment style kicking in.

I never considered myself to be possessive. I wasn't asking for a lot. At the time, I was made to believe that asking for the bare minimum of affection and quality time was asking for too much, being too controlling. For a long time, I thought maybe I can relate to that sign of this attachment style, but after thinking it through I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't—I don't relate to being demanding of someone's attention and love. If anything, I feel as though I place more importance in ensuring that those feelings come from them, rather than me having to force it.

I believe I can be a little 'needy' and 'clingy' at times, but I found it came more from a place of lacking.

Q: How did you respond when issues arose that threatened your relationship?

A: I became such a mess. Especially at the time when the stakes (in my mind) were getting higher—when we had been together for longer, and it was feeling more like we would stay together 'forever'. It had gotten to a point where I felt like it was up to me to fix everything, like I was the one causing all the problems, even though I obviously cannot control someones emotions and feelings—I thought it was up to me to go out of my way to make everything right. I placed all the pressure on my shoulders.

You'd think that when someone finds out their partner no longer sees a future with them, that you'd accept it; it would hurt, but you would accept what you can't control. Not me though. I was so insecure that instead of doing the logical thing, my emotional brain would take over.

I spent a lot of time beating myself up over what I couldn't control, placing the blame on me (because at the time, I thought if I was 'better' things wouldn't be that way). The other amount of time was spent trying to satisfy my partner, to the point where it would seemingly prevent the relationship ending. I even found myself pleading for the relationship to not end.

It's really saddening to look back at the situation, to see what my insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem caused me to do, caused me to become. It's incredible to realize how badly I was feeling to be able to cause such wreckage—mainly to myself. It was incredibly self sabotaging. In the end, it's not like my attempts changed anything. I still got hurt. Only after getting hurt I had the shame of my former behaviour in tow. I had to learn to live with that shame and embarressment.

Q: What would your partner do that would cause you to react negatively? How would you tend to respond?

A: It wasn't until later in the relationship, when there was more distance, conflict, and unforeseen circumstances that really brought out the anxiousness in me. I found myself only finding solace when things were seemingly okay, when I was getting lots of validation for my concerns, and proper attention.

I found myself becoming highly triggered by hearing my former partner tell me they had doubts (often times it would go from doubts to seemingly okay to doubts again). It felt like the worst kind of rollercoaster, one that lead me to becme more and more insecure as time went on.

Another trigger was having my former partner become more independent which created more distance (in the sense that they focused less on wanting to spend time with me, and more time invested in work, friends, and hobbies). It wasn't that I disliked them spending time on those things, I just felt that I was being left behind in a way.

I kept thinking back to when we started dating, and how close we were to, at the time, a lot of distance. Another one was unpredictable behaviour, which to me, again was highlighted with the feeling that everything was fine, until it wasn't—which was experienced multiple times. I was constantly questioning if we were okay or not. It got to a point when even the reassurance that things were okay didn't make anything better.

I found myself responding with common insecurity and anxiety fuelled patterns. I became quite emotionally needy. I tried my best to do as much as my former partner wanted or needed—at the time, thinking that was the key. I tried to do all that I can, be the "best" girlfriend I could be, even if it meant pushing past my own boundaries. I felt myself drifting from secure to anxious very quickly.

At times I 'acted out' in response. It didn't happen often but when it did I typically walked away from conflict, leaving the scene, in hopes that it would inspire my former partner to finally give me the validation I was looking for, to show me that they needed me in their life. I thought by "leaving" it would cause them to remember how much they needed/wanted me. I often felt like I had to 'act out' or 'cling' in in order to get the security, consistency, validation, and attention I had been missing. I thought it was up to me in order to fix these things—that I was always both the problem and the solution.

I didn't want to be this anxious, insecure—and quite frankly, shell of a person, but I was being triggered far too often to be able to ever feel I had a chance to properly adjust, to ever have a firm grip on feeling secure in any sense. These reactions were becoming more and more natural and instinctive. I felt out of control.

Where are you now?

Q: Has your attachment style changed at all?

A: Yes and no, I suppose. When I began dating again, I did tend to notice the anxious attachment style tendencies bubbling up, just sometimes in different shapes and forms.

I have come to realize it is incredibly dependent on the relationship I am pursuing. I realized that often times when I felt the anxiousness come out, it had a lot to do with someone who was providing me with more 'avoidant' tendencies (i.e. someone who was seemingly not emotionally available, or was providing me with too much inconsistency, distance, or giving me reason to not be able to take their words at face value—to have their words and actions not meet often enough).

Having experienced someone who provided me with a more secure approach, allowed for me to be able to trust and relax, and actually enjoy the process as opposed to always questioning—it allowed for my anxious attachment tendencies to become more dormant.

Q: Do you still experience the same reactions to issues or triggers? If so, have you found ways to counteract these tendencies or patterns?

A: I certainly do. As I mentioned before, when it came to dating again, I definitely felt the old habits coming out to play, just because it had become so instinctive for so long. I found that the same triggers caused somewhat similar, although milder reactions, however still a reaction embodied by anxiety and insecurity (much like in my former relationship).

Given I was quite emotionally affected by my past relationship, I find my anxious attachment patterns are still there, usually coming out when I think it proves necessary (not always the case, but my brain thinks so). Although, I will say that they are slowly but surely diminishing to an extent, at least as I branch away from people who caused me to question everything including myself and my worth.

I believe it will always be there, but I have found that trusting myself more, trusting the process, taking things at face value, and not relying on others as much has definitely helped. Even now when I find myself driven by the anxious attachment, I kick myself, but at the same time, I know I've come along way and I need to be more forgiving. I need to hold myself accountable, but I know I am still made up of my experiences, and the ways in which they have had an impact on me—I need to forgive myself when I am simply trying to cope, to protect myself.

I hope others know it's okay to still have these insecure tendencies, as often times there are reasonable catalysts for such behaviours. Having an anxious attachment style is not a negative indication of one's self worth, even though you may think so (I know I have). It's not all on you, it's not your fault. All you can is work with yourself, and others, on learning the reasoning behind triggers, and working towards being able to combat problematic behaviours that may arise.

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All I can do now is prioritize connections that don't bring out the anxious tendencies and patterns—prioritize connections that make me feel safe and secure. If someone is giving me clear and undivided stability, then I have no reason to react otherwise, at least that's something I tell myself.