"I just don't feel that spark": Why it may actually be for the best

I've said it once and I'll say it again: the spark isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

The core of the problem

When it comes to intentional dating—dating with the intention of finding more than something casual—the idea of the spark is generally unsustainable.

Now, you may be thinking, how am I supposed to know if I find the 'one' if I don’t feel a spark?

First of all, I'm sorry, but I don't believe in the 'one', or even soulmates for that matter. I think our society, particularly western culture, has done a top notch job at creating an unrealistic narrative when it comes to what true love is, how we should view it, and how we obtain it.

Think about 80% of the rom-coms you've ever seen, any 90's classic childhood Disney movie, or many of the romance novels to date. To name a few at least.

It makes all the sense why we grow up thinking a) true love is our top priority and b) true love is in the form of one person, and one person only and c) in order to know it's true love we need to feel those intense feelings—that tangible spark.

We eat that sh*t up from a very young age and it lives with us.

So, naturally we learn to look for it. Find ways to better identify if it's it. Prioritize it above all.

It all boils down to feelings

Much of our collective ideas around romance are dictated by this immense feeling of knowing. Knowing that the person we're seeing is the one we’re meant to be with through feelings.

Generally speaking, feelings make sense to me. Feeling you really like someone and connect with them makes sense. But what feelings does a spark consist of? What is it we're meant to focus on feeling-wise?

The spark, as portrayed in the much of what the media advertises, is made up of many physical sensations as well as heightened mental sensations.

Clammy hands. Weak-in-the-knees. Arousal. Nervousness. Anxiety. Stress. I-like-them-so-much-it-hurts. Fear. Need. Longing. Obsessiveness. Complete captivation. Shortened breath. Fast heart rate.

Better known as, you guessed it, butterflies. Notice how it's often unsteady, unstable feelings? This is important to note because it’s key in learning why it’s problematic.

What feelings should I be focusing on then, if not the spark?

Instead of fixating on the need to be with this person at all times, let's look at the big picture. Sparks come and go. And, if you're a generally anxious person to begin with, it could be heightened to an unhealthy amount. Nonetheless, it's not a good indicator of anything.

Don't make the mistake of interchanging spark and genuine connection. Connections are built. There’s a difference.

While feeling sparks is fun and exciting, it's not the driving force in terms of keeping a relationship going long-term. Sparks are inherent short fuses at best.

Some better factors to consider + prioritize:

• Do they make me feel comfortable?

• Do they make me happy?

• Do I enjoy being with them?

• Do they allow me to be myself?

• Are they respectful of my time, energy and efforts?

• Are their actions reciprocal?

• Do they carve out time for me in their life?

• Do we get along?

• Do we have similar values?

• Do I want to keep making plans with them?

If the answer to all of those is a resounding yes, despite not feeling this overwhelming sense of urgency, anxiety, and high, then it might be time to rethink what you really want in a relationship.

I promise you, these factors will outweigh the spark in the long term.

At the end of the day, it's what YOU'RE looking for

At the end of the day, we want to feel comfortable with our partner. We want to feel like we've chosen someone who compliments us and adds to our already full life. We’re not half a person looking for our other half.

Once you realize these are more important factors in determining a good relationship, you'll have a better time navigating dating and knowing what to look for.

All of this said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting those butterflies. If that's something you enjoy, then who am I to tell you otherwise? Just know that it only goes so far.

You can have your spark, I'll stick with comfortability and peace, thank you.